What If Became What Now

I haven’t been inspired to write
since this contagion invaded. My energy
has waned with a low-level anxiety
as the what-ifs take over my mind.

Scientists and many others
foresaw what was ahead but
provisions were not made
and now our world is tightly
enmeshed in grave suffering.

There’s a pall hanging over us all
and I feel it as it creeps its way inside
my subconscious hijacking my peace.

Some days I feel an almost panic
as it spikes like the fevers of those
inflicted. Others I’m resigned to this
new way of life and accept what is
for my safety and the benefit of others.

I’m isolating because I want to give
that virus as little ammunition
as possible to take aim at any of us.
There’s a mark on each of our backs.

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8 Comments

  1. Gayle…..you courageously write what most of us feel, but are afraid to admit. This is real and it feels like it descended upon us as if we awoke from a nightmare. I was in surgery Feb. 3rd…. and slept for weeks after because of the meds. When I came out of that stupor, I realized the world was on fire and we were racing against the flames. Panic? It’s built in, but we can deal with that internally. This is a plague, not a isolated flu or virus. Yes, a virus but one that acts like a plague. We are as ignorant of its origins and treatment as they were about the black plague that descimated Europe. Keep to the orders of social distancing which is very hard and goes against our better nature. We are comforters. With care we can survive this …..at least most of us. May the Universe survive and heal. Keep safe with my love.

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    • Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Jane. I’m fortunate to have some good tools for combating the fear that arises now and then and basically I just follow the protocols of good hygiene that’s been put forth and stay the hell away from people! 🙂 I don’t see this as a plague but maybe it is in a way. I believe a good many of us will survive–it’s not that dire a situation, at least not yet. In doing some research regarding viruses, I learned that even the common cold has killed people. We humans do get complacent. This will shake us awake. My love to you, Jane. xoxo

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  2. Gayle, there will forever in history be plagues, drought, famine and disease. I am sorry that it preys upon your mind, at times, to worry you and give you angst. After nearly dying in 2015 of heart failure, I cannot let myself be reeled into the massive amount of social media that has inundated our lives. It will not be forever this way. As you know, the only real certainty is that things always ‘change’ and this too will become our past and not the present. I do hope you will write more and perhaps, take up your meditation again? Since I began making meditation a regular part of my life six plus months ago, now, I find it has greatly helped my emotional well being. I will be thinking of you and hoping peace will fill your heart. Do take care, my friend.

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    • Hi Renee, thanks for your thoughts here and your concern for me. I mostly am totally fine but then there are those moments that can overwhelm. I too have a meditation practice and like you said, it helps immensely. Also, I watch or read very little of what the media puts forth and just that alone is a huge plus in maintaining a calm presence. My best to you always, Renee.

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      Reply
      • You as well, Gayle. I, too, do not listen to news. I don’t have to as if I’m in the same room as my daughter and son-in-law, they tell me enough of everything. At that point I can just walk away. Take care.

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        Reply
  3. Sherry Marr

     /  April 5, 2020

    I feel exactly the same, Gayle. I am isolating, and grow quieter by the week. It does take energy, this new reality, just to deal with it, and all I could or should be doing gets put off from day to day. I think of your two beautiful little granddaughters, and my grandkids, and everyone’s grandkids, and all the suffering everywhere, and I worry. Stay safe!

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    • Hi Sherry, this isolating can wear on us. I’m alone in this house now as the elderly woman that I was sharing it with moved into a senior living community just before this all came about. I don’t mind being alone but I do miss seeing my family and especially being with the granddaughters. One good thing about all this is that children don’t seem to be affected much by this virus. I’m not sure why that is but I’m very grateful. Our governor has now ordered us to stay in unless we need to go out for essentials. The more we stay clear of each other the faster this will be gotten under control. My best to you, Sherry–try not to worry. I’ll be thinking of you. xoxo

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