Thoughts in the Moment

Insecurity assails me as I
half-concentrate on reading
the explanation of the prompt
today as.. doubt arises.
I notice that I am so often ready
to compare myself to others…
those of you more capable.
Can I do this?
 
This afternoon finds me alone
as I so often am these days.
Alone with my thoughts that
can move me about as if a
pop-up storm in the summer
afternoons.  One moment
calm and still and the next,
wind whipping circles,
blackened skies bursting
their over-ladened heaviness
until spent…emotions spent
and calm returns…again.
 
And I realize, with relief, that
those days of remaining silent
and too fearful of expressing
myself and even feeling worthy
of being heard have subsided
long ago.
 
Pushing aside my fear of how
I may be accepted (or not),
I care more now to lay myself
bare before you than to
cower and fret and keep myself hidden…

 

 
…outside, Tufted Titmice are at the
birdfeeder, flitting from tree limb
to feeder..taking turns..
trilling excitedly..one
feeding a baby..sharing..trusting…

Tufted Titmouse; Google Images

dVerse Poets, hosted by Victoria C. Slotto invites us to try our skill with stream of consciousness writing:  http://dversepoets.com/2012/05/24/stream-of-conscousness-writing/

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49 Comments

  1. You know I’ve never thought about what people will think of my writing. I’ve always written whatever I pleased because it pleased me to do so. If others enjoyed my thoughts then that was a pleasure to me too but never, ever, allow self doubt to stifle your free flowing thoughts and putting them down on some type of medium to either be re-read by yourself at some point or, to share. I’m so glad you don’t feel inadequate anymore and do open yourself up to sharing. This stream of thought is beautiful and, I love how it ends on a happy note with the birds at the feeder outside.
    Lovely write 🙂

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    • You gave me a boost of bravery here with you sharing your experience. There are times when I feel more secure than others and in spite of my trepidation, I’m able to put myself out there and push through the shy feelings. 🙂 I’m glad you liked this and I like how it ended too…with my focus going outside the window to those darling birds. Thanks for the encouraging comment.

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  2. love your honesty in this…the flagging confidence some days…do not fear you are surely worthy…smiles…i love the zoom out at the end moving from yourself to the birds…sharing and trusting…smiles.

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  3. I’m so glad you shared- yourself, your insecurities, your birds. It drew me in.

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    • That is very nice to hear..thanks so very much, Mary. (I will become a first-time grandmother this summer..so excited!)

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  4. Truly beautiful!

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  5. I love how you express what we all feel, how you took what exactly you were experiencing in the moment and touch us with it, Gayle. And the titmouse! I just love them. In the desert there was one that used to follow the dogs and I on our early morning walk from time to time. And another, or maybe the same one, who used to sit on the tee box marker outside our kitchen window and watch me. (Maybe I’m anthropromorphizing a bit too much, but I miss them here)

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    • Thanks so much, Victoria. I thought some may be able to relate to that feeling of trepidation that washes over me sometimes. I love those birds too…they are just darling. It must have been a small family of them out there this afternoon. I sometimes feel the birds are as interested in us as we are of them…

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  6. Gayle — beautifully honest streaming of thoughts … I can relate to it as well. Thank you for sharing ~~ many blessings to you.

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  7. You already know how much I love the titmice. 🙂 This was interesting to see where your thoughts took you. The metaphor of the pop-up storm seemed very apt. Were you surprised at how the finished piece turned out?

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    • Thank you, Corina…aren’t titmice the cutest little things? At first I thought I was done with the poem and then my attention went outside the window where the titmice took my attention. I thought the way they shared and trusted each other was apt to how we bloggers share with and trust each other. I liked how it finished up on that note. You are very astute! 🙂

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  8. Laurie Kolp

     /  May 24, 2012

    You know, I have a lot of insecurities I’ve carried around my whole life, but I always feel safe at dVerse.

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    • Aw, I love that, Laurie. I’ve been treated very well at dVerse…my insecurities started well before my relationships with you all…it doesn’t reflect how I’ve been treated at all.

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  9. This such a wonderful poem, that I’am taken back that some like you who’s well written and seemly well verse you would such a insecurity. this was a related write aswell, am sure to everyone.

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    • You are very sweet, Leah. Anyone can have insecurities…in fact, I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t…we all carry them to one degree or another. I’m just glad I’ve recovered enough self-esteem to be able to put myself out here for others to (hopefully) relate to. Thanks so much for your kindness and relating to my writing today.

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  10. The ending is perfect – love love love the final stanza – don’t ever stop writing 🙂

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  11. Of course you are accepted, and welcomed, as part of this caring, sharing community of poets, every one of whom has experienced the same doubts. That little bird is lovely, BTW

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  12. Ravenblack

     /  May 25, 2012

    I realise that it mostly the critic in my head that holds me back but just can’t help it sometimes. Every time I post something it’s a form of stepping out. Thanks for posting this poem, can relate to the feelings in this one and it has great ending –back to focusing on the beauty around oneself and to share it.

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    • Yes, it’s that self-criticism that tries to foil me…it’s nice that others can relate! I’m glad you enjoyed the poem…I like that ending too.. 🙂

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  13. I love/hate that doubt of acceptance that lingers when we chose to expose ourselves to others. Part of it drives me, and then, part of it holds me back. Wonderful write.

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    • Yes, it’s a challenge for sure. I’ve found that I’ve taken more chances with my writing and with putting myself out there…I’ve been pleasantly surprised at times! Thanks, K.

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  14. Your trepidation surprised me, I have always admired your work. I can relate to your feelings though as I was unsure of my post for this prompt.
    Through the window of my room I often look up to watch a pair of blackbirds perching on the jacaranda. They are such a joy especially when they sing, the male’s yellow beak opening and closing with his song. I sometimes wonder if he is saying something to me or if his notes are solely for his mate.
    Yes, you can do it !

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    • What a lovely compliment, thank you. And I could say the same about your work today…it was so entertaining and well done…a mini-tour of sights and sounds that you have experienced. I would never have known of your unsure feelings…thanks for sharing that.

      I’m an avid bird watcher. Like you, I’m enthralled by their activity and singing…I like to think some of it is for our benefit.

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  15. So glad you got past the insecurity to write and share this. I like the flow through the thought processes and emotions here, and the nature metaphor, especially as you wind up with a reflection on the tufted titmice. Nothing like bird-watching to forget our troubles; they are so mesmerising, especially when the babies are hatched.

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    • I usually can get past my hesitations and carry on..just grabbed hold of that thought/feeling as it emerged and decided to go with it and share. Love those birds…they bring me such pleasure and yes, a very nice distraction from any concerns. Thanks for your visit and lovely comment, Chris.

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  16. I love the transformation – the old fears holding you and the newer realization that you don’t need their permission for your own voice! and the birds just ties it up perfectly! Sing on!

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    • Thanks so much, Shanyns. Believe me, it took quite awhile to overcome my shyness and hesitation to share..so grateful I have.

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  17. hypercryptical

     /  May 25, 2012

    This is a wonderful write and I hope you continue to express your thoughts in your wonderful way – you have nothing to fear here.

    Anna :o]

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  18. I love the honesty of this, and I can definitely relate!

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  19. Androgoth

     /  May 25, 2012

    With the writing calibre that you hold
    you should never fear what anyone thinks
    of your work, it literally speaks out for itself
    and I do mean with a fine quality…

    You have a lovely approach to writing Gayle
    I have always thought so, and do keep up the
    most excellent work here, as you are indeed a
    very talented writer with much to offer everyone
    that calls into your Space…

    It is an honour to know you my great friend…

    Androgoth XXx

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    • What a very sweet thing to say..I so appreciate your kindness and generosity, Androgoth. It means a lot to me. I’m humbled by your words… Thank you so very much.

      Gayle xoxo

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  20. I think this is one of the most courageous writes I’ve read in a long while … no matter what many of us will say, I think we all worry to a certain extent every time we release something we’ve written into the world, what others will think about it … to state so unabashedly how fearful it makes you is pretty brave. But – as others have said, you write beautifully and must keep writing so thank you for sharing this with us – you’ve expressed a common insecurity in a lovely way and made it personal.

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    • I know of many artists that worry and overly (negatively) critique their work and I guess that’s the nature of putting ourselves out in public for all to see…so be it. I really appreciate your confidence in my writing and the encouragement I’ve received from you and others is very uplifting and comforting. Thank you so very much for offering such a lovely comment to me to help appease my concerns..

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  21. And I realize, with relief, that
    those days of remaining silent
    and too fearful of expressing
    myself and even feeling worthy
    of being heard have subsided
    long ago.
    … so pleased you shared your thoughts .. those birds excitedly swooping – trusting – a treasure – love lib

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  22. Great stream of consciousness, starting from your innermost doubts and ending up looking outwards, finding positive signs. It’s just great, Gayle and I’m so glad you shared so openly and honestly. I loved the imagery of the ‘pop-up’ storm, too! 🙂

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    • Thank you, Jacqueline…I appreciate that. I liked how my attention turned to the birds outside too…as it so often does.

      Loved the posting of your daughter skydiving..and loved the video…woohoo!

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  23. Gayle, I think we all can relate to these feelings at times. I love the last two verses where you push aside your fear – and then to the little birds, feeding – sharing, and trusting.
    (It’s good to visit your blog again – sorry I’ve missed so much!)

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    • I would agree…who doesn’t feel intimidated sometimes. So glad you enjoyed the strength in this…I liked the ending too. 🙂

      You never have to apologize for missing anything I’ve written. I don’t keep tabs and I took quite a long break for awhile so nothing was up here to visit anyway. Just happy to reconnect when we can, Betty. Thanks so much. xoxo

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  24. I love this one, Gayle…how you process through the struggle, the doubt, the fear…to the ‘ending’ that notices ‘the lesson’ in something so natural as a bird doing what a bird does. These are the kind of things that help me to focus and believe and continue. I so relate to this piece!

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    • It’s true…sometimes that doubt really rears its head..my thoughts feed my insecurity and it grows bigger. Only sometimes. I like how my attention was pulled to something so real and natural outside the window too. So glad you can relate! Thanks..

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  1. Lessons From a Tufted Titmouse « Old Things R New

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