It’s subtle but I immediately sense the telltale tightening throughout my body. It quickly moves to hyper vigilance. I look down at my hands and find them clutched together as if seeking sanctuary with the other from the impending increase in tension. My heart rate quickens…there’s slight dizziness, nausea–which only serves to ratchet up the anxiety. There’s never a turning back from this…it has to run its course, reach its peak and take me unwilling on an alarming provocation of harrowing fear and panic.
I search my mind; what was the trigger? My thoughts are the culprit. Circumstances from long ago, surge through my mind, almost obsessively at times, repeating in my physiology the fear that was produced…then. The ensuing adrenaline rush propels the panic even further until every muscle is rigid and my shallow breathing works to feed my total disconsolate state.
stress burdens my soul
bleakness seals all directions
I prefer to be alone and in quiet surroundings if too overwhelmed. Being around people, even my loved ones, provides no comfort. I must focus and not be distracted by superfluous words that are presented–with good intentions–but fail to soothe or calm.
As a child and alone in the middle of the night when this “terror” would strike, I would yawn and shiver. If it struck in the dead of winter, I wanted to run outside, to feel the snap of the cold that would bring on the shaking relief that would eventually dissipate the wayward energy. Exhausted, I could then fall asleep. I would turn to the Bible, the only spiritual book I knew at the time, and seek comfort from words that spoke of something…someone outside myself who promised peace…if I believed.
your daughter is suffering
have mercy on me
Open Link Night at dVerse Poets: http://dversepoets.com/2012/01/03/openlinknight-week-25/