No lover have I to claim, please nor boast
This worldly pathway alone is my stead
Feet fly lightly; I’m free to wildly coast
My mind clear of another’s wringing dread
Although attracted by masculine silhouette
In his heart and mind lay my discontent
No matter tall, dark, handsome or brunet
Lecturing discourse soon brings grave dissent
Self-centered pride..tiresome monotony
No beau of mine will seek to grieve mislead
Be gone if share not love of botany
Stiff deportment serves to stay me freed
Line up if you will; I’ll yield you a chance
Turn my mind with a wild, whirling romance
Shakespeare (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
My first attempt at a Shakespearean Sonnet…critique welcome…I hope I had a clue..
Sue Dreamwalker
/ June 2, 2012It sounds Grand to me Gayle.. and Im no expert on poems… I just write from my heart and see what comes.. ITs great to try different styles though.. I have only one.. so Hats off to you.. :-) Sue
Bodhirose
/ June 2, 2012Thanks so much, Sue. I do like to try my hand at form poetry once in a while…stretches my intellect a bit…even though I may end up skewering it! A sense of humor helps, that’s for sure.
dragonkatet
/ June 4, 2012Well…I admire you attempting this form, Gayle. I have not written many of these because I find them difficult. The form is pretty structured on Shakespearean Sonnets. They have to have 14 lines (which you have) and the lines all need to be in iambic pentameter (which you don’t have). The lines go: unstressed syllable, then stressed syllable, totaling 10 – you have the ten, but the stressed syllables are off in your lines. eg.
baBOOM / baBOOM / baBOOM / baBOOM / baBOOM.
As an example from the Bard, Himself: “Shall I / com PARE/ thee TO / a SUM / mer’s DAY?”
* * * * *
Using your first line, this is how it scans: “No LOVer HAVE I to CLAIM, PLEASE nor BOAST”
* * * * * *
(the * = stressed, since I’m not good at making the diacritic marks in typing)
You got the rhyme scheme down, and there is sort of a “resolution” with the end couplet, so that part is also successful, although it might be even better if the woman in question fell madly in love at the end (more resolution, less “possibility”, if that makes sense).
Anyway, I mean no offense, and am no expert. You asked for critique, so these are just my two cents. I think you have the basics, just work on the iambic pentameter stressed and unstressed. You didn’t “skewer” it, which says a LOT in your favor – most attempts I see (and those I have tried, myself) end up MUCH worse than this. :)
Bodhirose
/ June 5, 2012Thanks so much for your help, Corina! Very kind of you to go into such detail for my benefit. I did ask and I’m very grateful to you. Ok so my stresses are landing on the wrong syllable..I can work on that. I’ve never studied writing poetry and mostly try and self-teach myself..but have shied away from the iambic pentameter because I really didn’t understand it. Nor do I understand when “feet” are mentioned..and so much more for that matter. It’s like a foreign language to me but I’m willing to learn…I want to know how to do it! Thanks again, my friend…I appreciate your help immensely! xoxo
dragonkatet
/ June 4, 2012And of course WordPress screwed up my attempts at showing the stressed syllables with the * astericks. Ugh. Don’t you love formatting? lol
Bodhirose
/ June 5, 2012Aw..sorry about that. Yeah, WordPress isn’t always very user friendly.
Sharp Little Pencil
/ June 5, 2012Wow, I just learned a lot from that comment. It’s yet another reason why I dread forms! I applaud your trying your hand at the sonnet, Gayle. Even the title has that feel of the Elizabethan period! No lover have I… there’s a song that starts, “I Had Myself A True Love,” and Streisand’s version ROCKS. Check it out!
I guess I’ll be free verse til I die… or bop… or become a haiku honey (that last, nah, don’t think so!). Peace, Amy
Bodhirose
/ June 5, 2012Well maybe we can both venture into the dreaded iambic pentameter waters together, Amy! I did try and give it an old world feel…thanks for your support and sharing that song with me..I think I know the one you’re talking about..I’ll look it up on Youtube.
bardessdmdenton
/ June 7, 2012No matter that it’s not quite a Shakespearean sonnet, Gayle, i really enjoyed it because I so relate (am much in the same place on the poem’s ‘message’). I don’t try specific forms very often either…but it is fun to experiment and always to learn something!
Bodhirose
/ June 8, 2012Well thanks for that, Diane..and glad you enjoyed it too. I did like writing it and perhaps I can work on tweaking it a bit and make it become what it’s supposed to be. Anyway, I do like to try and write the “old world” sounding types of form.
Jamie Dedes
/ June 13, 2012So much fun to play around with such, isn’t it?
See your comment above: we are constantly tweaking … even the Bard must have done that.
Bodhirose
/ June 14, 2012Now, I know I replied here to your comment previously..but where did it go?! Yes, it is fun to play around..and it helps to have a sense of humor and not take this all too seriously..at least for me. And yes, I’m sure the Bard himself had to do plenty of tweaking!
Harry
/ July 25, 2012Bodhirose, i noticed you in David’s blog and wondering would you like to join other authors in my poetry blog, you could visit below, Harry.
http://poetscornerblog.wordpress.com/
Bodhirose
/ July 25, 2012Hi Harry, I believe I’ve seen you comment on our friend Lorna’s blog as well. I think I would like to join your poetry blog. My name is Gayle, the name of my blog is Bodhirose’s Blog and here is a link: http://bodhirose.wordpress.com. I’ll leave you a message on your blog too. Also, let me know how to participate and if you need any other info. Thanks, Harry…I appreciate the invitation!
Harry
/ July 26, 2012Thanks Gayle, you can start posting any time, Harry.
Harry
/ July 26, 2012Gayle, which city / country are you from, its for the authors page.
Bodhirose
/ July 26, 2012I’m from Winter Park, Florida/U.S.A.
Thanks, Harry..I think this is going to be fun.
Harry
/ July 26, 2012You can start, your in the authors page already :)
Bodhirose
/ July 26, 2012Harry, I just posted a poem to your page…my name was not in the “Categories” list so I put it under “Other”. Could not find my name… Sorry for any inconvenience.
Harry
/ July 26, 2012No problem, it will be added now after the first poem is posted.
Bodhirose
/ July 26, 2012Thanks, Harry.
Harry
/ July 26, 2012Gayle thanks for posting. On tags, all tags should be woods contained in the post, if i wrote a poem about a car and tagged it crash the poem would not be found by a search.
Bodhirose
/ July 26, 2012Oh, I never realized that. Thanks very much…you’re so right!